. "War of 64"
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About . "War of 64"

War of 64:

Listen up here, maggots! Talks between Virginia Beach comedians and Richmond comedians have broken down. The only recourse is full on comedic war!! Both cities will pick 5 champions and may the best squad win. Now, I want you to remember that nobody ever won a war by dying on stage for their comedy. They won it by making the other poor dumb person die for his comedy. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball players, the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. Now, I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. The very thought of losing is hateful to Americans. Now, a comedy scene is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, wins, loses as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of bull. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for the Saturday Evening Post don't know anything more about real comedy than they do about fornicating. Now, we have the finest food and equipment, the best spirit, and the best comedians in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor bastards we're going up against. By God, I do. We're not just going to beat the bastards. We're going to joke circles around them so their children's children will sing songs of our triumph. Now, there's one thing that you will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you're sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you, "What did you do in the great War of 64?" -- You won't have to say, "Well, I stayed home and watched Criminal Minds." Alright now people, you know how I feel. Oh, I will be proud to admit you wonderful people into the Funny Bone anytime, anywhere.

That's all.